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Dirk Hardbody’s Dirkwando

Dirk Hardbody here, and I’m letting all of you know about my amazing new martial style, Dirk Hardbody’s Dirkwando.  I developed Dirk Hardbody’s Dirkwando after 6 years in the Nineagon.  You’ve heard of the Octogon?  Well this is ONE better!  It’s like taking an octogon and adding one extra side!

Over the next few months I will teach you the basics of this deadly and effective martial style.  Not only will you learn devastating moves, but I’ll show you the secrets of this ancient martial art.

Today I will reveal the first of the Seven badass ranks you can attain in Dirk Hardbody’s Dirkwando.  It is the rank of Black Belt.  You know how most martial arts people END at Black Belt?  Well, Dirk Hardbody’s Dirkwando is so badass it STARTS at black belt.

All of the other ranks are too hardcore for you to know about right now, but don’t worry, you’ll get hardcore.  You’ll get hardcore training Dirk Hardbody’s Dirkwando, and learning to fight in the Nineagon.

So tune in next week for more badassery, including :

• Basic moves, including the Mullet Grab, and the Bottle Smash.

• How to get YOUR black belt in Dirk Hardbody’s Dirkwando

So get training.

Airport Secutiry Solutions

So with the recent (over) reaction to the Christmas Day “underwear” bomber, I’d like to propose some solutions to the problems associated with flying.

Your 2nd grade teacher must accompany you on your flight and verify your ID.  Because who knows you better than Mrs. Wilson?

Everyone flies naked.  This way, no one can hide anything!  Then again, no one can hide anything… Maybe they’ll give you a discount on eye bleach.

Hands above the table for the whole flight.  Cause then not one can do anything ‘cept play footsie.  Pretend it’s a roller coaster ride that lasts for 5 hours.

Government issued pajamas.  Sure, they’ll be made of asbsetos, cost $500 a pair, take fifteen years to develop and be one size fits all, but again, nothing to hide…

Take the train.  Because you can’t fly a train into anything ever. As Ali G found out.

Airline Review : Delta 3/5 Cramp legs

 I recently (ten hours ago) took a Delta flight from Portland to New York City.  Overall, it was not a bad experience.  As usual the flight was packed, although luckily not with small children as is usually my lot.  There did seem to be a larger number of inexperienced travellers on the flight, but I can’t blame the airline for that (or can I?…).  Here’s the rundown.

Check-in : Mostly straightforward.  All electronic, although for some reason their terminal wouldn’t accept my United Airlines card to pay for the baggage fee (a modest $20… still outrageous though).  The line moved along quickly, and I did get rushed to the front when it became apparent my flight was quickly approaching.

At the Gate : Absolutely no wait, but then again I did get there 25 minutes before the plane was supposed to take off.. whoops!

On the plane : Always the worst part of flying, and, incidentally the only part of flying involving flight.  My seat, in the waaaay back of the plane, was waaaay too small.  I barely had room for my legs, hoodie and a book.  I never have enough legroom, but this felt smaller than other carriers I have traveled (Jet Blue, United, Air Canada, Alaska).  Each seat was equipped with a touchscreen that could play live TV, radio, and CD’s on demand.  They also had HBO, Movies and Games but a premium cost, which of course wasn’t displayed until you made your selection.  I wish they would be up-front with the cost. I got all excited about watching “Curb your Enthusiasm” only to find it was $2 an episode.  Weak.  Their CD selection was quite good, and Dance music makes the 5 hour flight go much faster.

In flight service : The food carts came by twice over a five hour flight.  It felt as though they could add another one in there though.  The free snacks were laughable.  Not even a handful of peanuts or pretzels in each bag.  The upside was you could get as many bags as you wanted.  Still, five bags of dry-roasted peanuts don’t even dent hunger.  Of course you had options to purchase snack packs (or whatever they call them) for $5-$7.  What happened to the days of a hot meal?

Overall : Overall it was a flying experience.  Provided you can tolerate being herded and corralled like cattle for a good portion of your day.  Then again, every carrier treats you like that.  Delta, though, had fun in-flight entertainment and better-than normal cushy seats.

Gotta love Christmass at freddies…

Freddies has failed us again.

Unless, of course, they are making a new Hallmark Holiday for Christmass…

Fail.