Movie Review : Ninja Assassins. Rating : 5/5 Ninjas
Ninja Assassins is your quintessential Ninja film. The plotline consists of our hero Raizo, played by a guy named Rain (yes, that IS his name..), who is a Ninja killing a bunch of other Ninja’s for some reason. And not just killing them. Cutting them in half, decapitating them, spraying blood over everything, impaling, eviserating and otherwise blood-bathing everythign in sight. All the while trying to protect some police officer or someone for some reason that is only vaguely addressed in the film. (something about proving ninjas are real?… or something? It really doesn’t matter).
Just like this.. but not as cute.. and deadlier.
As far as plot development goes, they take care of almost 100% of the plot in one, three minute car ride while Naomie Harris’s character, Mika, talk about some dead Russian KGB agent who was researching Ninja, then mysteriously died of throwing-star related injuries. After that it’s all just basically sword and whipchain fights to the bloodspattering death.
We’re Ninjas. There’s your plot.
In the character developement department, Raizo’s story is told through some kickass flashbacks to his time at the Ninja Orphanage. From the time he arrives, he’s some kind of Child-Ninja prodigy, refusing to eat because they’ll be harder on him, getting his feet cut for not being quiet enough, fighting some other Ninja-Wannabe in a room filled with floating, flaming orbs… you know, Ninja stuff. Oh, and something about a girlfriend while at the Ninja Orphanage.
I’m a Ninja. There’s your charater development.
The fight scenes are crazy. There are three weapons used to any effect in this film. Your standard Ninja Sword, Ninja Throwing Stars, and a Whip Chain. Guess which one looks the most badass? Trick question, since they all do. Guns also make an appearance in the film, but several times Raizo laughs at Mika’s use of it saying something like “That won’t help you”. A couple Ninja get shot repeatedly in the head and shrug it off like a light rain.
Like this, but a Ninja.
The throwing stars look like they’re being launched out of a cannon, with several dozen flying across the screen at any given point in the film. The Whip Chain looks insane, and the Ninja Sword, is, well, a sword. Ninjas, in addition to being able to turn invisibile in shadows, are also insanely hard to kill. Whenever Raizo takes off his shirt (happens more frequently then you’d imagine in a Ninja film), you see some nasty scars everywhere. At one point he gets eviserated, but shrugs it off like a stubbed toe and goes on to kill another twenty-thirty Ninjas before taking a break.
This movie easily prooves that Ninja’s beat Pirates.
Overall, this movie is Ninja Porn at it’s highest. Relative lack of plot, stereotypical Ninjas (oh, did I mention they whisper in the shadows? bit of a giveaway…), buckets of blood, and epic fight scenes make this film the best, and funniest, Ninja movie i’ve seen in a while. I give it 5 Ninjas out of Five.
Ok, not “real” ninjas. But there’s 5 of them.